- [Instruments Clattering] - [O.R. Chatter]
[Nurse] Doctor, do you want me to hold that for you?
[Chatter Continues]
Corpsman! Another case closed, Watson.
Care to join me in my digs on Baker Street?
- For what? - A little seductive reasoning.
- Sorry, Sherlock. Can't win 'em all. - Drat!
Another evening alone with my pipe and dirty robe.
Got that belly wound finished yet, Moriarty?
- All sewn up. Corpsman. - [Chatter Continues]
Ah, here's our next couple.
- Welcome to "Who Bet Your Life." - Will you cut it out?
- There's nothing to joke about here. - Oh, let him go, Major.
Sometimes a little humor helps break the tension in a war zone.
Lap sponge.
During World War I, we used to dress a mule up in a petticoat...
and charge the fellas a dime a dance.
Fifteen cents if they wanted to lead.
No! [Grunts]
Put that mask back on him. He's not under enough.
- I'm trying, Major, but he keeps pushing it away. - Push back harder!
[B.J.] Don't start a fight, or we'll be sent to the principal's office.
- I can't stop it. - I'll do it.
I'll do it. If your doctor has to do your job for you, he'll have to reglove.
- If you can't follow an order, call for help. - I'm sorry, Major.
Hey, Margaret, take it easy. She just doesn't like a guy who grabs.
Nobody asked you! Butt out! Bell, you're on report.
- For this? You're kidding. - No. Add talking back to a superior officer.
- Margaret, wait a minute. - Carry on!
Major, why don't you reconsider? She didn't do anything but ruffle your fetlocks.
Am I within my authority as head nurse if I put her on report?
- Yes, but... - Thank you.
As an officer and a gentleman, you should forgive and forget.
If she's forgiving, I'm forgetting.
Major, I, for one, applaud your sense of discipline in the midst of chaos.
- Go stuff it, balloon brain! - Now, I applaud that.
[Grunts, Sighs] Oh, Margaret, let me give you a hand.
This may take a minute. I'm used to doing this in the dark.
- Go away. - Don't panic. I'll have you out of there in no time.
I just wish you people would leave me alone!
Oh, yeah? Like the way you left Nurse Bell alone?
I was doing my job!
You never fall on a nurse that hard for such a nitpicky mistake.
- You're too good for that. What's eating you? - Nothing!
Come on. If you can't tell your number one nemesis, who can you tell?
I can't.
- Can't even imagine that it's true. - What's true?
- Would you lower your voice? - Is this low enough? I'm sorry.
I'm using my larynx as a subway station. What is it?
Well, I was with Donald...
- about six weeks ago in Tokyo, and... - Yeah?
- Well, I think... - What?
I'm pretty sure that I'm... pregnant.
- Pregnant? - Shhh!
- You mean with child? - Sh-Shhh.
Expecting? Our little major is gonna have a minor?
That's wonderful! Sorry.
- There's nothing wonderful about it. - Are you kidding?
All we see around here is death and destruction.
Now, in the middle of an inferno that even Dante wouldn't buy tickets to...
there's a little glimmer of life thanks to you.
That's not wonderful. That's a miracle.
You know Donald and I are having problems. This isn't gonna solve them.
It's only gonna add to them.
And you know what it means, don't you?
Automatic discharge. My whole army career, kaput!
- It's all Donald's fault. - Well, I wouldn't put it all on Donald.
I mean, you were probably there at the time.
- What made you so sure? - I have all the symptoms...
- morning sickness, nausea. - We all have that...
- from the Mess Tent takeout window. - There's more.
- I've been irritable lately. - Well, if you count irritability...
you've been pregnant since I've known you.
Captain, that time of the month hasn't been that time of the month yet.
- And that was last month. - Maybe your watch stopped.
Look. Look. Have you verified this medically?
- Well, no lab tests... - Well, then what are you guessing for?
Why don't we go see Colonel Potter and set up a test?
Come on. Come on.
- You know, I hate you men. - Now she tells us.
How's that shoulder feel, Martinson?
I think I did a bang-up job on your bang-up...
even if I do say so myself.
- You're gonna send me back up there, aren't ya, Doc? - You're ambulatory now.
You'll be out of here by noon Thursday.
You're lucky. That's when our rates change.
[Forced Laugh]
I don't remember. Did I remove your sense of humor?
Knock it off, Doc. This morning I was leading...
35 men down a hill and retreated smack into a minefield.
That shrapnel you removed from my shoulder is what's left of my sergeant's helmet.
He was right next to me when the mine went up.
I am not going back. I won't go back.
- I know how you must feel. - You think it's because I'm scared, don't you?
- If you are, you're not alone, soldier. - I am not a soldier.
I never was a soldier.
I thought R.O.T.C. Would keep me out of active duty.
Should've read the fine print.
- I thought they'd put me into something I was prepared for. - Like?
Art history... I was an art history major.
I think the marines are the only ones with an art history division.
I'm not kidding!
They are not sending me back into action.
I don't have what it takes to lead men into combat.
That sergeant would still be alive if it hadn't been for me.
- Look, Martinson, you can't blame yourself for that. - Get out of here, will you?
Just leave me alone.
- Bedside manner failing you, Hunnicutt? - Lay off, Winchester.
What's this, "Attila the Pun" has lost his sense of good humor?
Drop it, Charles.
- Touchy. - [Door Slams]
[Mess Hall Chatter]
I'd like to talk to you about my family. It's...
'Scuse me for saying so. Your mail is leaking, Colonel.
- Honey. - Your mail is leaking, honey.
Don't crack wise, Klinger. The missus knows how hard this stuff is to get over here.
She tried sending me a jar, but those mail jockeys cancel packages with their boots.
You're telling me. Try to mail order an atomizer of perfume and see what happens.
- You mentioned something about your family. - Oh! Oh, yes, sir.
It's been on my mind for years now, and I must get it off my chest.
- What is it this time? - [Sighs] I've been hiding it till now.
But these... are my children.
I didn't want to burden anyone with my troubles.
- All nine of 'em. - I've always liked big families.
- How did this happen? - Well, you're a doctor, sir. You ought to know.
- I mean, who's the mother? - Mothers.
- I see. - I've finally given in to my tortured conscience...
and decided to take full financial responsibility.
- That'll cost you a fortune. - Exactly.
It'll mean I'll require a hardship discharge, of course.
- But it's for the kids. - Of course.
Little Santos here needs new shoes, and Ellen will have to have braces soon.
And, then, there's the twins... Achmed and Irene.
This one is swarthy. The other is blond.
Fraternal twins.
Klinger, none of these kids look like you. They don't even look like each other.
Well, of course not. Their mothers raised them to be individuals.
- Who's the tall one? - Oh, that's Santos.
But you said this was Santos.
Uh. Well, uh, he is too.
- I ran out of names. - This kid has got to be at least 19.
That would mean you were a father at 11.
Well, what's so unusual about that? I had a moustache when I was three.
Klinger, this is the worst one yet. In the first place, I know half these kids.
This is Erin Hunnicutt; Sergeant Zale's daughter, Zelda...
and this is my grandson, Corey!
I knew it! I knew it! I shouldn't have gone to Radar for these!
[Envelope Sputters]
Margaret, will you sit down? I got holes in my shoes just looking at you.
- What's keeping that old coot? - The old coot's here.
- Oh, Colonel... - I know. It was said with affection.
- Colonel, Margaret may have a little problem. - Is it you...
- Winchester or the nurses? - I'm pregnant.
Pregnant? Well, zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
I used "wonderful" and "miracle."
- Did you tell Donald yet? - No.
- Should you? - Yes!
Then tell him. I remember when our son was born.
Made me prouder than a stallion out to stud.
Colonel, I don't think you're getting it. Uh, Margaret and Donald...
aren't, uh, uh... [Stammers]
- They're-They're not, uh... - What he's trying not to say, Colonel, is that...
- Donald and I are... not... - I think I've got it now.
Not to mention the fact the army would make Margaret trade in her boots for booties.
Isn't there some way around that?
Can't we bend the rule just a little bit?
Only if you stay just a little bit pregnant.
- We'll be sorry to lose you, Margaret. - Well, wait a minute.
We're not even sure she's pregnant. How about a lab test?
- Sure. I'll let her go to Tokyo. - No. Can't we do it here?
- I don't want anyone else to know. - We'd need a rabbit for that.
- Then, get one! - How about, uh...
- Radar? - No. He'd never go for it.
That rabbit's his pet. He lives with it. He reads to it.
- He'd even marry it if it was the same religion. - If it's a choice between...
- his rabbit and our head nurse... - Then I outrank him!
- Who, the rabbit? - You sirs call me, sir?
- Have a seat, son. - A seat, sir?
Yeah, here. There you go.
- Uh, care for a drink? - Uh, no, thank you, sir.
- Makes my ears wider. - Still a growing boy.
- Well, I sure could use one. - A drink?
Yeah, you bet.
- Son, we need a favor from you. - Oh, anything, sir.
- I think. - Radar, you have a female rabbit, don't you?
- You mean Fluffy? - Yeah, we'd like to, uh...
borrow her for a while.
- For a pregnancy test. - Oh, no, sir. That couldn't be.
See, I keep her and Bongo in separate cages.
If I didn't... Well, you know what they say about rabbits.
- It's just talk. - [Chuckles]
- Can-Can we get on with this? - Yeah. Yeah. The pregnancy test is for...
Captain!
Well, on behalf of Fluffy, he has a right to know.
The test is for Major Houlihan.
- You're gonna be a mother, sir? - Well, we don't know yet.
- That's why we need the rabbit. - Oh.
What does Fluffy have to do in this test?
She doesn't have to do anything. It's very simple.
We inject her with some fluid from Major Houlihan.
Then, about 48 hours later, we check the rabbit's ovaries...
and if there's any change, then the test is positive...
and Margaret is a mother-to-be and a major-that-was.
- Well, that doesn't sound so bad. - Radar, to check the ovaries...
we have to put them under a magnifying glass.
- Uh-huh. So? - We don't put all of her under the glass...
just the ovaries.
Oh, noo!
Oh, no! No-no, no-no, no-no!
You're not gonna kill my Fluffy.
You're not gonna use my rabbit as a guinea pig!
Why, l... That would be murder!
There you go, Bongo. I know you'll be lonely without Fluffy.
Don't eat too much. You'll get too big for your house.
- Wish you hadn't done that. - Well, I figured I'd rather let her go than to see her killed.
I know how much you love her, but we wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.
- Yeah, but why do you have to kill her? - I told you.
- The ovaries have to be examined. - Can't you just take 'em out...
and let her stay alive?
- Operate on a rabbit? - Yeah!
I've never done that before, not even on a chocolate one.
- But it's possible. - Yeah, theoretically, sure.
But it's all academic now.
Well. Yeah.
No, it's not.
- Houdini O'Reilly, I caught your act at the Palladium. - No. No. No.
- You promise you'll take good care of her? - I'll do my best.
Yeah, and-and-and you'll be real gentle with her...
and talk to her when you're putting her under.
- I'll read to her from Uncle Wiggily. - Yeah, well...
- Okay. I guess that's all right. - Okay. Come on.
- Okay. - She'll still be able to have kids, won't she?
- Radar. - Y-Yeah, well...
- [Hawkeye] Clamp. - [Margaret] Clamp.
- More suction, Margaret. - I'm trying, but it's so small in there.
Nonsense. There's nothing to it. Tweezers.
Tweezers.
Radar, you don't have to wait outside.
- What'd you say, sir? - I said you can come in!
There are still seats available for season ticket holders.
- Uhh. No thanks. - [Margaret] Oh, come on!
You've seen hundreds of people operated on.
Yeah, but people bad stuff isn't as bad as rabbit bad stuff. I'll just wait out here.
- Why don't you and Bongo read a magazine in the waiting room? - Right.
And... there we are.
Great. Can we take a look?
Uh-uh. We gotta get our patient back on her paws.
Hey, Doc, what's the verdict? Do I get to live? Can I go home to Buffalo?
Well, there's no internal damage. As for your going home...
I'd say about a week.
And as for your living in Buffalo...
I'd call that a contradiction in terms, eh?
Why don't they leave me alone? I...
- Let me go home. - Look, Tom.
I hate this place, this war, just as much as you do.
But there really isn't a whole hell of a lot we can do about it...
except cope with the situation as best we can.
- That or rent a room in Leavenworth. - No. I have to get out of here.
Come here.
- There is another way. - All right. What is it?
[Clears Throat] I can recommend you be sent to Tokyo for psychiatric observation.
No. I'm not letting headhunters get ahold of me and put in my records that I'm nuts.
"This is to certify that Tom Martinson, Associate Professor of Art History...
- went bonkers in Korea"? - They're not there to brand you. They're there to help you.
Oh, don't you lie to me! I spent four years at Yale.
I took all those courses. It's bull. I'll tell you what they'll say.
"Neurotic tendencies, severe paranoia, manic-depressive."
- Will you slow down? - Hunnicutt, would you mind if I talked to him for a moment?
- It might help. - Be my guest.
Well, now, don't-don't... Don't go away. I think it's important you observe this.
What class were you in, Lieutenant?
- Yale '48. - Harvard '43.
Major Charles Emerson Winchester.
I could tell at once... Sit down. I could... Go ahead.
I could tell at once that you were a man of education and breeding.
I guess the army is no place for a couple of...
- Ivy Leaguers like us... Is it, Lieutenant? - No.
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- No. It surely isn't. - The daily grind. The stupidity.
The riffraff that one is forced to associate with.
- Would you hand me that pack? - Surely.
If I were in your shoes, Lieutenant, and I am...
I'd feel exactly the same way that you do, which I do. [Laughs]
I understand completely.
I'm glad to hear that, Major.
- 'Cause I know you'll understand this. - [Cocks Pistol]
- We're goin' home. Don't move. - When I said I understand...
I didn't mean that I completely understand.
There are things I don't understand at all. Hunnicutt, do something, please?
- Tom... - Stand back. Stand back.
- I'll shoot this man if I have to. - Okay. Not that okay.
- You take me to your C.O. - I should've expected this from a Yale man.
Colonel Potter! Colonel Potter! Is that too loud?
- Just get him! - Colonel Potter, would you mind stepping out here, sir, please?
- This better be good, Winchester. - Oh, it is, Colonel.
- Colonel Potter, this is Lieutenant Martinson. - You the C.O.?
- What do you think you're doing, son? - Getting out of here.
And I'll shoot this man if I don't get what I want.
- Let's just talk about this, nice and easy. - My boy, I'm Father Mulcahy.
He is. He really is. He's wearing pajamas now...
- but he's a real father. - [Mulcahy] Please, Major!
Son, right now, this may seem like the road to freedom.
But in reality, it's a pathway to self-destruction!
I want a chopper, a transport to the States...
food and clothing to get me back to Ohio.
- I think you ought to give it to him, Colonel. - Okay. You got it.
Let Major Winchester go now, and I'll personally guarantee your safety.
- I got my guarantee right here. - Ow!
- Now, let's see that chopper! - We'll have to call one in. He'll be here at dawn.
- [Potter] Radar! - No good! I want one now!
- Colonel, don't put him on a waiting list. - I'd get one for you if I could.
But choppers can't fly at night. It's not like they have headlights.
- [B.J.] You're gonna have to wait till morning, Tom. - Better be telling the truth.
- Do something. - You can wait in my office until the chopper gets here.
- No harm'll come to ya. I promise. - Just stay back!
- [Murmuring] - It's a trick. They're trying to confuse me.
- Get back, all of you! - Get back, get back, get back! That's an order!
- That's an urgent request to you, sir. - Now, don't try and follow me.
- Right. I'll stay here. - Move it. Come on.
Let's go. Come on!
You did a fine job, Captain. I've never seen such delicate work.
- So small. - So round, so firm, so fully packed.
- Is it over yet? - Okay, Daddy. You can look now.
Ooh! Aw, Fluffy! Ooh, you're gonna be okay.
- Oh, thank you, sir. - No problem, Radar.
Couple of days, she'll be the queen of the hop.
- Can we run the test now, please? - Yeah.
- Let's put the specimen under the glass. - I'll get it.
Charles, learn to knock first. We have a naked bunny in here.
And he has a loaded pistol back here.
- My God! He does. - Cripes! - Quiet!
You're supposed to be on our side, fella.
- Please forgive him. He's an idiot. - Get over there.
Rest of you, outside. Keep your hands up where I can see 'em.
- She doesn't have hands. She's a rabbit. - Please do as he says!
- We're going. We're going. - [Overlapping Chatter]
Uh-oh. Your shoulder's bleeding. Can I fix that for you?
So I can put the gun down, huh? No way! Out!
Or that man's life isn't worth a dime.
- We were just going anyway. - Come on! Move it! Go!
- Oh, okay. We're moving. We're moving it. - Move!
- I just need my specimen. - Get out!
- Out! - Get out!
Don't be nervous.
- [Radar] Wild look in his eye. - He's holding my specimen!
- I mean, a gun on Charles. - Who is that guy?
- Patient of mine. Wants to go home. - Via Hostage Airlines?
- That's the ticket. - Radar, get on the horn to Dispatch.
Tell 'em to get a chopper here by dawn. Tell 'em to clear a flight to Ohio.
- Did I hear Ohio? - A patient is holding Major Winchester hostage...
- until they get to Ohio! - Why is everybody standing around like a bunch of ducks?
- Somebody go in there and get him! - Colonel, I volunteer.
- Klinger, come back! You'll get killed! - Now, there goes a real man!
Hey, buddy, take me! I'll go with you.
- Stay back, lady. - Klinger, you moron.
- Okay. Take it easy. Just wanna talk. - Are you armed?
You kidding? Where would I put it?
- Did they get the chopper? - Nah. Somethin' better.
- Me! - What?
Take me instead of him. I got your escape plan.
I got my own plan...
a chopper to Seoul, a plane back to Ohio.
I'm from Toledo. I know people there. I could make it easy for you.
Take him! He's got a plan!
I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please? Please.
Please. I've never even been to Ohio. He was born and raised there. He's...
Okay! Okay! Get out of here! Anything's better than you!
- He's absolutely right about that, isn't he, Klinger? - Oh, yes, sir. Anything.
- Thank you, Klinger. - Go on. Get out ofhere.
Right. Just a sec. Klinger, I deeply appreciate your sacrifice for my safety...
and I sincerely hope that you survive this ordeal.
- Get lost! - All right. Getting lost.
- [Chattering] - Charles!
- [Margaret] Charles! Thank goodness. - Ladies and gentlemen...
- Are you all right, Major? - Of course I'm all right.
- Now, we've gotta save Klinger. - Tag team kidnapping.
The best thing to do in a situation like this is to give the kid what he asks for.
Look. Can't we talk him out of there? Tranquilize him, anything?
If talking hasn't done any good this far, he's beyond rational thinking.
I don't think Klinger's in any danger, unless we make some grandstand play.
We'll just sit tight and wait for that chopper.
- I'm starting to feel sick again. - Take it easy, Margaret.
When all this is over, we'll go for a walk through the looking glass.
Believe you me, buddy...
as soon as we hit downtown Toledo, we're home free!
I know enough shady people and places there to keep us out of daylight for years.
But we'll make it. Even if we have to struggle...
live on pita bread and water, sleep with the rats!
We... We... Kid, kid! Come on! Come on!
Look alive! You gotta look alive if our scheme's gonna work.
- Okay. All right. - [Potter] Klinger, you still all right?
Oh, uh, fine, sir, just fine!
- [Groans] - But this guy, he's got a real mean look in his eyes, though.
- Ya better get that chopper. - [Potter] It's here! Anytime you're ready!
And tell Martinson there'll be no attempt to stop him.
- Do you hear that? We're almost home! - Yeah.
- Come on. Come on, now walk tall. - Okay.
- Okay. Okay, Lieutenant. Let's... Let's move me out. - [Groans]
- Hut, two, three, four! - [Mutters]
Oh, come on, kid. Kid, you can do it. You can do it.
So let's get out there and win one for the ol' Gipper!
So, kid, huh? That's it. Hut, two, three, four.
- Hut... - Hut, two, three, four.
- Hut... - Hut, two, three, four. That's it, kid.
Ooh, you got it. Now, you got it.
- [Klinger] All right, everybody. Stay back! - [Murmuring]
He's not afraid to use that thing. He'll fill me full of lead.
- Take it easy, Klinger. - I don't mind, sir. I'll go all the way to Ohio if I have to.
It's in the line of duty. Keep the gun up, kid. You're doing great.
Wait a minute. I'll be right back.
All right, get back! Get back. Don't rush him.
He could come to any second.
He's lost a lot of blood. We'd better get him to O.R.
- [Potter] Stretcher for this man. Pronto! - Oh, come on, kid.
You can't do this to me. You can't!
- Well? - Oh, my God. This is incredible.
- What? What? - I never knew my thumb was this big.
- Oh, will you cut it out? - All right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- There. - What?
- And the winner is... - Pierce!
- Negative. - Negative?
- Negative. - Congratulations. You're still a major, Major.
Yeah. I guess I still am. Thank you.
- Thank you very much. - I'm glad it turned out the way you wanted it to.
So am I.
I'm also sorry.
So am I.
Okay, Fluffy. One more time. Easy now.
Actually, it's not all bad, you know.
Now you and Bongo can live in the same cage. [Giggles]
- Corporal? - Yes, ma'am.
- Uh, excuse me for not saluting. She needs me. - Oh, that's okay.
Corporal, I just stopped by to, uh, well, to thank you again.
Now that it's over, that is.
Ooh. You mean, you're not, uh...
- Uh. - [Chuckles] No... No, I'm not pregnant.
- Oh. - Just a little gallbladder trouble.
- Oh. - I want you to know I appreciate what you and Fluffy did...
- sacrificing her ovaries so that I could find out. - Oh, that's okay, ma'am.
I know you'd do the same for Fluffy.